19 Ekim 2014 Pazar

thank you all, but I'll pass

'make up your mind' make up your mind'
there it goes again.
the unknown whisper inside my head is murmuring this quote with an endless tune...
my days and nights turned red...
something inside me, actually inside my head shutting me down, holding my hands.
i fell like I am bounded. bounded but where?

'make up your mind' it says again.
but this one is different at the moment.
it started as a whisper then turned a scream now.
it's screaming and I am as deaf as a post to the other sounds around my daily boring life.

at first, I tried to fight with it on my own.
i created hobbies which were really silly, I spent my time with ridiculous habits.
I made friends, I made nonsense conversations.
I smiled, I laugh out loud, I talked without breathing.
people told me to being 'social' would be useful for my situation.
they told me 'it's gonna be ok'
'you are strong'
you can fix this
don't lose yourself, fight it.
it'll pass.
I am with you.
talk to me, talk to your friend, talk to doctor, talk to yourself.


they were saying those things, but i was reading subtext behind their thoughtful speech...
they told me 'hush'
they didn't really care about me. they always care about themselves.
I was depressed, I was sad which is not entertaining for them.
if you are good, everyone join you.
but if you are down, no one give an hand.
that's the rule of communication.
that's the fucking rule of communal life. 
this is the first, important rule of being fucking  human...
so they told me hush with the fancy sentences they've built for my own sake.

I hushed as well...
but the voice did not.

then I thought to go to a doctor.
I had money and money was the key.
if you pay for something, you own it.
I paid for my crazy mind to fix it.
I paid too much...
the doctor talked to me, he seemed thoughtful, too.
behind the curtain, I was just a costumer.
I bought words, I bought endless advices.
the thing what I've learned from therapies is passing on what you hear.
at the first moment of my first therapy, I figured out it was the most useless thing that I've ever done.
talking to a stranger is not the key of light at the end of the tunnel.
there is no light, just illusion...
advices create those illusions.
the man who you are talking about your problems is not a saver, he is a illusionist.
actually i didn't want to be saved at all.
i just wanted to be lost...

if you heard an advice from someone, people love to do it all the time, pass it on.
shake your confused head, smile at him or her, say 'yes, you are right' and pass it on, trust me!

I've met so many generous people.
they were always kind to me giving things.
they loved giving things to someone else what they need more than everyone.
like advice...

thank you all, but I'll pass.
be my guest!

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